One Day at a Time

I was going to write this post on my actual Writing By Gloria website but after reviewing said website, I made the decision to cancel the entire thing and build a new one somewhere other than Weebly.

I would like to say I will make this short and sweet but that isn't possible so if you aren't able to read to the end, please don't even start...it may not make sense if you stop in the middle.

There are several elementary facts you should know before I get started:

I love Kalisha with every fiber of my being. We have been nearly inseparable for 34+ years.

Many people have told me, "Oh I know just what you're experiencing. I was sad when my kids moved out, too. That's empty nest syndrome."

To which I want to respond...Bullshit!! This is not the same thing. I have 4 other adult children. They all moved out for one reason or another; one to get married, one to go to college, one to start an apprenticeship and one just because she was tired of living at home. I am not insinuating I am the ONLY parent who has ever felt this way but it isn't quite the same as an adult child simply needing to move on with their life. This is concern, fear, apprehension, sadness, worry, loneliness and the realization that no matter how much I believed I prepared her for almost all life-skill circumstances...I did not!

Kalisha was scheduled to move into a large house with 4 apartments...3 of which would be for 3 young women (friends of hers) and 1 for the Steward or On-Site Adult. This is CASS housing and I am not going to explain any further. If you want to know more about this innovative living concept, please visit their website: www.casshousing.org The target date for the first house to be completed was Dec. 2018, approximately. Kalisha had originally thought she would be moved into it in June of 2018. THAT DATE WAS STUCK IN HER HEAD. When some unfortunate and unforeseen delays occurred, she still wanted to move by June, 2018. She researched apartments she could afford, Dwight and I took her to look at them and she chose one about 6 miles from downtown Ft. Wayne.

We discussed the pros and cons about a million times. Finally, it was decided to allow her to move into the 1-bedroom apartment. It was near a bus line and would give her the experience of living on her own before she finally would be able to move into the CASS house and it was one she could afford...barely.

In retrospect, it probably was not the wisest decision. We still believed she would only be there 6-7 months and it would all be "swell." The reality is the first CASS home was being built for 3 young men and the next house built would be the large apartment house. (I would insert a string of swear words here but this is a website that might kick me off, so I will just say, I was devastated.) I spent several weeks being more angry and depressed than I could even imagine. However, with the help of Dwight and many prayers, I gained a bit of equilibrium again.

That is the background leading up to Kalisha's move. It was totally her idea...Dwight and I did not kick her out, we did not want her to move so we could move to Florida, we did not ask her to leave. These are all ideas I have been asked about but none of them are true. Kalisha could live with us until we die but therein lies the problem. We ARE going to die and most likely, before she does. Then what??? Wouldn't it be better for her to be able to function on her own rather than be hit by a double whammy...me dying AND now living alone? She does have good social skills for which I am grateful. Society isn't very forgiving of bad social behaviors.

I realize this has been rather negative so far but there have been humorous times and fun times and many, many learning times.

As I said earlier, I thought I did a fairly good job of teaching life skills, and I did, up to a point but there are many things it never occurred to me to teach her. Setting a thermostat...she called one morning and said, "I got cold during the night so I turned my AC up to 95." Yikes!

Turning the AC up that much won't hurt a thing...it just won't run, but if she had turned her heat up that high, her electric bill might have been astronomical. I never, ever thought about showing her how to set a thermostat. (Unless your child is in a new luxury apt, they will undoubtedly have manually set thermostats)

She never had to look at expiration dates on food or even consider if something was spoiled. I always did that. I helped her put groceries away and while adding something to her refrigerator, I came across several 'unidentifiable' items. Some were identifiable but still rotten...a slimy bag of lettuce, moldy strawberries, blueberries dried up to hard BBs, and some leftovers that went in the trash, container and all.

Although she knew how to do her laundry, this was a new experience. She had to add money on to a card which was then used in the machines. Much easier than messing with coins. But...the washer instructions said only 1/8 cup of detergent...no pods. That isn't much and Kalisha has some trouble pouring anyway, especially out of a large jug of detergent. I found a solution and it has worked well.

She can vacuum but has difficulty winding the cord up when she's finished. (Not really a big deal, just something else I didn't teach her)

Scrubbing a toilet is kind of a half-a__ ed endeavor (pardon the pun) but it is getting better.

We did work on changing bed sheets but she still struggles with this task and would rather just skip it but knows she can't.

Plucking eyebrows, trimming toenails and fingernails is not something she can physically do and never will be able to do. My original thought was to have her brows waxed and nails done once a month but her budget is so tight that she can't afford that. We're still working on a solution. (When I'm here, I do it for her but remember...we're acting like I'm not here because some day, I won't be.)

A big thing is loneliness. She has her cat, Tabby, but it broke my heart when she said, "I don't like to eat by myself, Mom." When she moves into the CASS house, I don't believe she will be lonely because even though she will be in her own apartment, she can walk across the hall and visit a friend.

She occasionally gets tears in her eyes when we're on the phone and says, "I miss you so much, Mom. You're my best friend and I love you." Then I want to cry and say, "Just come back home, Kalisha. It will be all right."

But I know I can't, for you see, it would be moving backward, not forward.

She 'face times' me every morning at 9 and every evening at 9. We don't chat long but she can see me and we tell each other good night and I love you.

Transportation is always a problem. The busses don't run on Sundays and stop at 5:30 on Saturdays. Getting to and from church when we aren't here is an ongoing problem.

For a short time, her neighbor lady was being very mean..verbally and all I could think was, 'Here we go again.' But the situation seems to have resolved itself (God was working it out) and they are friends again.

She loves FaceBook and uses it daily. Occasionally, she posts her feelings about missing me. I ask her to delete those posts. Having everyone commiserate with her is not solving the problem and actually exacerbates it.

She has some friends who will send her a note or card once in a while. Usually her mailbox is empty. I know most people's mailbox is empty but it makes her loneliness seem worse. I worry she will pitch important mail with the ads she gets.  She is an ardent recycler like she was taught. Every time I see her, she has a bag of recycling for me. (The apt. complex doesn't provide recycling bins)

Some  more positives: she has no problem calling the office if something isn't working properly. They are prompt in fixing things.

She cleans the litter box every night before she goes to bed which is a good thing.

She fixes her own meals and washes her dishes. The microwave is her best friend.

Her bills have all been put on auto-pay so she can't forget to pay them.

Her few medications are sent in the mail in individual packets for AM and PM.

She is learning new things every day and has conquered many obstacles.

Some facts: Kalisha does have a waiver which means she gets so many hours of service each month. Her provider is Bethesda Communities and I love them. She also has a BC (Behavior Consultant) who should have angel wings...truthfully. She has been with Kalisha for 8 years and is a good friend. She can persuade her to do or not do something when I have exhausted all my efforts.

She has a very limited amount of hours for her staff to help her with things. She would get more when I turn 80, die or go to prison. Orange is not my favorite color and I have no say in the date of my demise and it's quite a few years before I'm eighty so.....it is what it is.

She volunteers on Tuesdays at a preschool and meets with a group of friends on Fridays. Instead of her needing me to take her somewhere or do something for her every day, we have set ONE day a week for the two of us to spend together. The entire day. We go places or stay home. We usually go to McDs for lunch...her favorite place and run errands, shop for groceries, or just talk.

She is part of a Small Group from church which meets once a month.

As you can see, she doesn't just set at home and pine away. Dwight and I take her with us many times. I'm sure she is better off than many individuals but she is still missing me and vice versa.

Truthfully, this experience has affected me mentally, emotionally and physically. I've been alternately depressed, whiny or just fine. I've gained 10 pounds, I've stopped going some places I enjoyed. If it wasn't for the support of Dwight, I might be a basket case. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done, including getting a divorce after 38 years of marriage.

The ultimate test is coming soon. Dwight and I are going to FL for Oct, Nov and Dec. Kalisha is flying down to be with us for the month of Dec and Christmas. We will still FaceTime twice a day but we won't physically be together for 2 months.

I'm sure you are asking about her siblings and her father. None of her siblings live close except one (she does take Kalisha out to eat sometimes but she's still working every day and has a family too.) Kalisha is not her responsibility and her father has some health problems and is rarely available for her.

You may also ask why we don't help with her finances. What would that teach her? Nothing. She has a problem with spending money she doesn't have sometimes so paying things for her doesn't help in the long run. (Yes of course, we take her out to eat but sometimes she must pay for her own meal.)

All in all, it has been a positive experience for all of us. It is getting better each day. Do I still get upset with her and yell sometimes? Of course I do. We are both pretty obstinate and bull-headed. Those traits are good especially now, but we definitely butt heads many times.

I hope this has not been a 'downer' for you to read. I promised truthfulness and I gave it to you. I believe with all my heart that she is growing in many areas and God is walking beside us every step of the way.

I have a favor to ask: please don't feel sorry for either one of us and please don't tell me what a wonderful mother I am because I assure you, there are times I am not. Just keep us in your prayers. We are continuing to put one foot in front of the other every day.

Thanks for reading this long epistle. You are great!

 

How is Kalisha Dealing With Your Marriage?

I decided to blog about this because I have been asked the question many, many times. Some people are genuinely concerned about Kalisha's reactions, some are interested in case they ever face the same situation and some are just nosy. It really doesn't bother me at all but I thought I could reach more individuals and not have to repeat myself so many times.

 I recently married a man I have known for 35 years but we just reconnected last summer. IF you aren't aware of the facts surrounding this event, I will list them:
*Dwight High and his wife and the Doty family both raised goats and showed them at many shows during the summers. Dwight was in charge of the Open Show at the Van Wert Co. Fair in Ohio. At that time, 1983, exhibitors were required to stay with the livestock for the entire week of the fair. Needless to say, all the exhibitors became friends during that week. This was repeated each summer. After many of us no longer showed, we all lost track of each other.
*A few years ago, I saw a comment from Dwight on some post on Facebook. I sent him a message and asked if he was the Dwight High I remembered from Ohio, because now his profile stated he lived in Florida.
It was him and we chatted a bit. His wife had died, he was retired (from the OH State Police) and now lived in FL. I was divorced, had sold the farm and lived in Ft. Wayne, IN.
*Every 6 months or so, we exchanged a few words on Facebook.
*May, 2016, I saw a picture of him in someone's barn. I was fairly sure it wasn't in FL. I messaged him and asked if he was in OH. He said yes he was there for a graduation and asked if I wanted to meet for dinner before he went back home. We did have dinner and the rest is history.
*Kalisha remembered him from the goat shows, so she felt that she 'knew' him and he knew her since before she was born. She immediately liked him.
*The 2 weeks before Christmas, she and I flew to FL to visit Dwight at his house. I felt she needed to see him in his house and environment so she would have a mental picture of where he lived and shopped and ate, etc.
*Dwight put up a Christmas tree for us, he indulged her love of Olaf and bought tickets for a one-day visit to Disney World so she could meet Olaf.

(Dwight was climbing higher on her 'favorite person list' every day.) They frosted Christmas cookies together and discussed many subjects. It was good for both of them, because then he could see a little bit of how she operates also.
*When he asked me to marry him, it was with the understanding that I wasn't moving anywhere until Kalisha was fully settled in her apartment (That move had been in the works long before Dwight entered the picture) and for months after: until I was comfortable with her being comfortable.
*Kalisha and I have been a 'team' for over 30 years and that was all taken into consideration. Dwight truly does love her and tries his best to understand some of her behaviors. He read the book about her: Not Different Enough and that helped, but of course, he still occasionally tries to reason with (sometimes) an unreasonable person.
*Kalisha really wanted to be at our wedding but accepted the fact that none of our children were going to be there and she couldn't be either. It took place in a cabin, on a mountain, in TN and there was only the minister, photographer, 2 friends from TN as our witnesses and Dwight and me.
*It has been a very good mixing of personalities. They have a lot in common...going out to eat being their favorite activity.
Has it been an adjustment for all of us? Of course, but I believe it has been a very smooth one. Kalisha is adult enough to understand married people need some time alone and some privacy (some of her comments could be another blog post but it won't be LOL). In fact, she seems to totally enjoy our being together. I think she is in love with our being in love.
*There have been a few signs of worry that she is going to lose me permanently. If I go upstairs for any length of time, she goes up also; to her room, but still, upstairs. When I come back down, she comes back to the living room. Her BC says that is quite normal and it will lessen with time.
*So...the answers to WHEN or IF we are moving to Florida are not answerable at this point in time. Everything hinges on when the house where her apartment will be located, is purchased or built or remodeled. Until then, Dwight is stuck in the IN weather instead of his 80+ Florida weather.
*I hope this clears up some of the confusion concerning our plans. If YOU get them figured out, please let us know.

*For more information on CASS housing, visit the website, www.CASShousing.org

Please Tell Me You Didn't....

The events I am going to write about happened a week ago, but it has taken me that long to acclimate myself to what I already know --- the words, "What the hell...?" are going to be a part of my vocabulary until I die. (Insert a sigh of resignation here)

Last Saturday, I had the opportunity to attend a ACFW luncheon in Indianapolis. My friend, Lynne, invited me and it was a great day. The speaker was informative and enjoyable, the food was good.
Kalisha was busy at home and my grandson was at a friend's house. All was well.
We were about halfway home when I received a text from Kalisha. 'Can we have Little Ceasar's pizza for supper? Text me back.'

My text to her was: 'Probably. We'll talk about it when I get there.'

Thirty minutes later, she calls me and before I can even say anything, I hear this: "I wanted Jacob's pizza but he wouldn't give me any. I begged and wouldn't leave him alone so he took my phone. I got mad and called Dad. He said that was stealing and told me to call 911. So I did and the police came."

 

Now is when you hear me say, "WHAT THE HELL?"

 

Those words applied to several things: The fact she called the police, the fact that her father told her to, and the fact that I am in no position to do anything about it at this point. I am in a car on I-69.

 

 

Deep breath...I knew exactly what happened and could visualize the entire scenario which didn't make the picture any prettier.

 

Kalsha gets hung up on food, especially if someone else has some that she loves; like pizza. Jacob had come home and was eating some of HIS leftover pizza from the night before and that was more than she could stand. I should say that he always shares a piece when he has a whole pizza, but this was only a few pieces. I didn't blame him for not sharing.

The next thing is that when she gets in that 'Kalisha mode' she can't always pull herself out and it escalates. I'm sure when he couldn't stand her hassling him about his pizza any longer, he took her phone. (That is her consequence when I am dealing with her, so he thought it would work for him, too)

That's when she called her dad. He probably could have talked her off the ledge if he had tried, but of course, he didn't. His solution was, "Call the police."

AND, of course, she did. Now, we have 3 people in this story. ONE of them is supposedly an adult. I'm going to stop right there, because my blood pressure is beginning to rise as I write this. Let's just say I was NOT a happy camper and 98% of my anger was going to be directed at the OLDEST one.

 

So, as I am traveling north, I asked, "Did they show up?"

"Yes, but I told them it was all a misunderstanding and everything was okay now and they left after they wrote down some information."

 

"Kalisha, go to your room and stay there until I get home. Understand?"

"Yes."

She was in her room when I came home. We discussed the entire scenario. Of course, by this time, she was rational again and even told me, "That was like crying wolf and if I ever really need the police, they might remember this time." I assured her they would respond the next time, but she did have the crying wolf idea right.

 

She wanted to know if I was going to call her dad and yell at him. I exercised a huge amount of self-control...I didn't call. (Are you proud of me?) I didn't think it would do any good. There is a FB cartoon that states, 'You can't fix stupid.'

I will just leave that there.

 

Is It Really Christmas Again?

At our house, we definitely know the real meaning of Christmas and we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus. However, knowing that does not preclude all the other  conversations and traditions that we have accumulated over the years.

Kalisha has the picture in her head of the Hallmark movies' 'shopping' model. She doesn't want to have WalMart bags in her hands. She wants to do the kind of shopping where she goes to the mall and emerges with beautiful bags (and lots of them) in her hands. She wants to buy for every person and friend she knows and she wants to have a Christmas party for her friends.

I understand all of that and I 'get it'...I truly do, but her plans never seem to work out as she sees them. Welcome to the real world, right?

This year, she is hung up on Bath and Body items. She has a bushel basket full of her own and assumes everyone would like the same thing she does. She even likes the B&B bags. You know, the paper bags. She posted on FB asking for anyone's extra bags from B&B.

She had each of her gifts in a cute gift bag but when she had collected enough B&B bags, she switched each one to one of those. I tried to explain these bags were shopping bags, meant to advertise B&B. She didn't care. THEN she wanted her debit card to purchase a $20 pack of these paper B&B bags from the internet. I drew the line there.
I asked "why?" I was trying so hard to get inside her head and figure what allure these bags had for her. She finally said, "I like the colors and the picture of the bears around the bottom."
So, here's what I learned from this adventure:
1) beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder...even in paper bags
2) does it really matter what she puts her gifts in?
3) the real sentiment is that she wants to buy for everyone
4) if you receive a gift from Kalisha, guaranteed it will be in one of these bags this year
5) by next year, she may be infatuated with something else
6) I think B&B should give her an advertising rebate check

I have made a deal with myself to be much more faithful about writing for this blog in 2016. Have a blessed Christmas.

The Secret to Younger-Looking Skin

Yesterday Kalisha and I were at an event; selling books and interacting with lots of people.
 Someone who purchased a book, made the comment to Kalisha, "You surely can't be 30 years old. You have such a young complexion."
I may have discovered Kalisha's secret and I, being the nice person I am, want to share it with you. NO cost for this information.

As you may know if you follow my FB page; it has been a month of 'cleaning, rearranging, getting rid of things' at our house.
There has been a garage sale, several trips to the donations box, give-aways, discards, and a lot of painting.

Amidst this re-do, I finally made it to the upstairs bathroom. I sorted all things in the linen closet and then tackled the vanity drawers and medicine chest shelves.
As I was 'pitching' things into the wastebasket, (who keeps old toothbrushes?) I found a jar of cleansing pads on Kalisha's shelf. I read the label and proceeded to ask her why those were on the shelf in her section of the medicine chest. I carried it into her room so she could see it.

"Oh those," she said. "That's what I clean my face with every night. Where did you want me to keep them?"

Now you know I was laughing so hard I had to sit down. "Kalisha, did you read the fine print on this jar?"

"No. But it says medicated pads, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does, but it also says it is hemorrhoidal and vaginal wipes."

Her eyes opened pretty wide while she digested that information. Then she started laughing too.

"Oh well...it takes make-up off really quick."

 

Yep, I bet it does; and obviously it keeps the wrinkles away at the same time.

Now you know. Aren't you happy I shared this information with you?

One way or another I'm gonna find ya/ I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha

The title is the lyrics to a song by Blondie. Several other artists have recorded it, also. In the song, I believe the singer's intention is to find a particular person and 'catch' them doing something.

I chose the title for a very different reason. This is Kalisha's thought process when she zeroes in on a person she desperately wants for a friend.
She is like one of those little red lasers and it is pointed at a particular person. It has been a bone of contention at our house many times in the past and it probably will be in the future. No amount of talking, discussing, explaining or threatening can unlock her laser beam mentality once it is set.

I am giving away a copy of the book I wrote about 30 years of living with Kalisha.

If you already have a copy, win one for a friend or acquaintance. If you don't have a copy, leave a comment on this blog site (not on FB) and I will randomly select a winner on Monday, July 21st. I will contact you via e-mail and send your copy in the mail.
The friend obsession and MANY other topics are in the book. I think you will enjoy it.


Several months ago, Kalisha found a young woman on the bus and decided she would be her next 'friend conquest.' She has known this person for a long time, but for some unknown reason, has just recently determined to make her into a friend.
She begins by contacting her and messaging her on FaceBook. She gets her cell phone number and calls (only at designated times; she understands boundaries). She invites her to go places and although disappointed when it doesn't happen, she won't give up.
We discuss the fact Kalisha wants this person to be her friend a WHOLE LOT MORE than she wants to be Kalisha's friend.

Kalisha does understand that. She will even repeat it, but she can't quite convince herself of it.

Don't feel sorry for Kalisha; she has a lot of friends. However, there is always that ONE that she must conquer. Does she sound like a stalker? A little bit. She invited this new person to a baseball game; even bought the tickets and I was going to be the transportation both ways. The day before the game, the friend cancelled for a flimsy reason. I was furious with the friend, but I could have predicted that happening.
Kalisha was sad for a while and extremely disappointed, but the minute the friend suggested meeting at a concert, all was forgotten and forgiven.

Kalisha has come a long way, believe it or not. When the FRIEND couldn't go to the baseball game, she called another friend and they had a good time together. In the past, she might have refused to go with anyone else or been a 'sad sack' all during the ballgame.

 There have been times in the past when she was obsessed with a CAPITAL "O" and the obsession ruled her every waking moment. She wouldn't attend any other events or volunteer or anything else. Her entire world revolved around the selected person. She has matured 98% from those days. She goes to her obligations and talks with other friends, but this 'friend' is always in the back of her mind.

 

I will let it play out as long as she isn't in danger and pray it will be a legitimate friendship. Sometimes, once the friendship is solidified, the obsession is gone.

 

*Remember to leave a comment so you will be in the drawing for a free book.

Until Blogger can fix the 'comment' box on this post, please leave a comment on my facebook page and you will be eligible for the free book. GRRRRRR

https://www.facebook.com/gloria.doty.98

Full-Blown Meltdown

Kalisha has not had a 'meltdown' for a very long time. With the help of weekly visits with her BC (behavioral consultant) she has matured so very much. She is in control of her actions and her feelings and seldom, if ever, loses that control. She goes to work every day she is scheduled with no complaining, she gets up and cheerfully does her volunteer work each week.
What happened?
Usually, when Kalisha becomes totally unglued, it has some connection to an event or plan which did not go as planned. That doesn't mean she is not handling changes well, because she is and I am very proud of her. However, last week was not typical and way off the charts.
Her 13-year-old niece, Anna, (my granddaughter) came to spend a few days at our house. The first day they watched movies and laughed a lot. The second day, Kalisha invited Anna to go along on the city bus to meet her friend, Jenny, for an excursion to Wal-Mart. The plans got changed when Jenny missed the bus and Anna and Kalisha had to wait an hour for her. I was so very proud of Kalisha for handling that situation very calmly. All was well and they returned home with the 'rubber bands' needed to make bracelets and necklaces. Anna was going to teach Kalisha how to do it.

The next day, Anna made plans to spend some time with a neighbor girl who is 13 also. I had to work away from home for a few hours, never expecting the 'tempest in a teapot' that was going to take place.
Apparently, Kalisha insisted on accompanying the girls which they adamantly refused to allow. She became angry; screaming that she had let Anna come with her the day before and hang out with her friend, so she should be allowed to be with them.
She ran (I said, RAN) after them when they went to the park. The dog got out of the house but by this time, Kalisha was in such a frenzy, she didn't care. She didn't even try to coax him back; her sole effort was to be with them. She stood in the alley and screamed, really screamed, horrible things about Anna. She told the neighbor lady to go ahead and call the police. She didn't care.
Finally, she laid down on the sidewalk and yelled. The ants thought her leg would make a great meal. (Natural consequences are the pits)

By the time I arrived home, she had calmed down and was asking for Anna's forgiveness and telling me all that had transpired. I was dumb-founded. I had not seen Kalisha out of control for a long, long time. If I had been home, I could have headed it off (the meltdown) but I wasn't and it grew out of control.

 

She called her BC and discussed it over the weekend. Today when they had their hour-long chat, they devised a plan in case there would ever be a time when it would start to happen again.

 

I don't want you to think this would ever happen if you took Kalisha somewhere with you. She would be able to hold it all together if she was upset. Her BC explained to me the thought of the unfairness of the situation and because it was a relative who was supposed (in Kalisha's mind) to be spending time with her, culminated in the breakdown.

  I wasn't seeing too much positiveness here; I was just furious with her. Sometimes her BC teaches me as much as she teaches Kalisha. This is the 'plan of action' Kalisha and her BC formulated today. I think these would be good things for all of us when we are ready to have our own meltdown. What do you think? Leave a comment and let me know.

 

That Stubborn Streak Isn't Always In Her best Interests

I used to accuse (nicely) my other 4 children of being just like their father; stubborn. Not at all like me, of course. HA
I know Kalisha has some of that too or she would never have learned to do many of the things she has. However, it is one thing to be hard-headed and another to not be able to see the results of that. If that all sounds like gibberish, I will give you an example.

The city bus system in our town offers half-price fares to people who qualify as special needs individuals. One requirement is they must go to the office and have their picture taken for an ID so they can show it to the bus driver if their half-fare is questioned.
Kalisha's ID expired a year ago, but I wasn't aware of it as she never told me she needed to have it renewed. Most of the drivers know her and never question her half-price status.

This morning, she needed to be at work at Parkview Field at 9:30, which meant she needed to catch the 9:00 bus at the end of our street. She took $3 (normal fare) with her. Soon she was coming back in the front door, madder than a wet hen.

"What happened?"

"Sammy wouldn't let me on with an expired ID."

"So now what are you going to do?"

My car was being fixed so I had no way to get her there.

Kalisha was worried she would lose her job if she was late and was trying to think of someone to call to take her. We called several people but they either weren't answering their phone or were busy. Finally, we did reach my cousin who agreed to come and get her. In the meantime, Kalisha called her supervisor and told her she would be 15 minutes late.

As we waited for Mary to pick her up, it occurred to me she could have paid the $3 regular fare and ridden the bus AND been on time.

"Kalisha, why didn't you just pay the regular fare and get on the darned bus?"

"Well, I wasn't going to pay that when I am supposed to pay half-fare."

"Don't you think it would have been better to do that and be on time than being in a panic about how you would get there and then inconveniencing Mary to take you?"

"Yeah, I guess so, but I just didn't want to pay the full fare."

Oy. The logic is lost somewhere and it becomes a 'cut your nose off to spite your face' kind of situation.

I explained that sometimes being stubborn about things is a very good thing but some times you have to think of the end circumstances.

We went to get a new ID when she came home.

What Day Is It?

Well, according to the 4000 (almost) posts I have seen on FB today, and in the newspaper and on Yahoo and the TV, I do believe it is National Autism Day and April is National Autism Month. If I sound a little peevish, I guess it is because I am.

Why? I should be overjoyed at the attention autism is getting, shouldn't I? Yes, I should.

Sometimes, as someone who says and writes and hears that word nearly every day for many years, I think I don't want to hear it anymore. I think it is sort of like the Breast Cancer Awareness themes; sometimes I believe we see and hear it so much that we become immune to it. It doesn't even enter our consciousness any longer. When all the NFL teams are wearing pink hats and cleats and gloves, I notice it one game and then I am only interested in the game, not what the pink symbolizes. (please don't send me nasty comments...I know too many people who have died of breast cancer, including 2 of my very best and longest friends).

The incidence of autism has risen dramatically, almost supernaturally. I was shocked when it became 1 in every 88 children was diagnosed with autism, and now it has risen to 1 in every 50 children. The word 'autism' covers an unbelievably huge spectrum of characteristics. It is the umbrella term for many conditions. While many are similar, there is no one set of behaviors or descriptions. No one-size-fits-all kind of diagnosis.

The fact that the children and adults are so diverse makes it difficult for someone not familiar with autism, to understand. When Kalisha was little, I knew it was autism, but I had difficulty getting a diagnosis. At that time, if you said autism, people pictured a child spinning in circles or banging their head on the floor. She was 9 years old before I finally had a diagnosis and it was only 2 years ago, when she was 27, that she was diagnosed with Asperger's. You never think of Asperger's and mental retardation being together, because they seem so opposite of each other.

You are probably asking why I write 2 blogs about Kalisha if I am tired of the word autism. That's a good question. I write because I know there a lot of Kalishas out there and a lot of parents who might benefit from my successes and my mistakes. I want them to be able to face the realities with faith and a sense of humor, when possible.

I get upset with people like Jenny McCarthy who wrote a book about curing her son's autism. Really? Really? Cured him, huh? Autism isn't a disease to be cured.

There are also MANY companies who are offering all kinds of false hope to parents. There are MANY that are legitimate, but the worms come out of the woodwork when they see desperate parents who will try anything to help their child. Just beware.

I am happy for the efforts of people who are trying to have legislation passed so insurance companies will be required to cover the costs of autism. We were fortunate to never have had a problem with insurance. Kalisha received therapies of all kinds: speech therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy. But none of them were because she was autistic (because I couldn't get a diagnosis, remember?) they were because she was mildly mentally retarded and developmentally delayed. That was covered by her father's insurance. It took 8 years to get on a waiver and she is still waiting to be on an autism waiver.

I have thought about moving from Indiana, but unfortunately, she would lose all of her waiver benefits; they stay in the state. So-o-o you really want to be aware of a state's status in dealing with adult special needs before you pack up and move. I am not a politician and I certainly do not know how it would be accomplished, but it would be wonderful if the waiver rights were universal and transferred from state to state. Think of the problems for the families who must relocate for employment and then lose all of the benefits.

Okay, I will step down off my soapbox now. I really don't have any answers, I only know that sometimes I think if I hear the A word one more time in a day, I will scream. I did ask Kalisha if she would like to stand on our front lawn and hold a sign stating this was Autism Awareness Day. You can probably imagine how much fun she thought that would be..she declined the offer, but laughed and said it would be a good idea. (For someone else, I guess.LOL)

You Did What?

Kalisha was talking about attending Disney On Ice which is coming to our town in the next few weeks. Hearing about it made me remember one of the funniest and strangest things that Kalisha has ever been part of. It is making me laugh just thinking about it.

First, I have to tell you Kalisha has an acquaintance named Mary (names have been changed to protect some people LOL). Mary loves to go to all kinds of things at the Coliseum: country concerts, circus, Disney On Ice, etc. She does not drive and likes Kalisha to accompany her because they are friends AND I will provide transportation.

The first time Kalisha went was quite an event. First, she came walking out with a T-shirt, a Woody cup, a bracelet and a few more items. When I dropped Mary off at her house, I asked Kalisha how much she spent. She wasn't sure, but she had the receipt. The total was $83.57. I was not a happy camper. She agreed to the fact we were going to call the company the next day and see if we could return some things. (I have to say I was very skeptical of having any luck, but they were extremely gracious and said if we shipped it back, they would refund the money...and they did!)

Back to my story: Kalisha was allowed to keep the shirt and one other thing. As she sat there, a little disconsolate about returning things, she said, "Well, the other thing I have to tell you is that all the skaters came past and shook my hand when the show was over."

I knew something was not right. Why would they do that? I cautiously asked, "Kalisha, your seats weren't close to the ice. How did they shake your hand?"

"Well, Mary didn't like our seats, so she asked an usher for a wheelchair and had me set in it. Then she told them I was blind and they let her push me into the handicapped seating area, as close as we could get. I guess somebody told the skaters I was blind and they all came past when the show was over."

I was speechless. If you know me at all, you know I am never speechless. I could just see it happening and I wanted to laugh until my sides hurt, but first, we discussed the fact that it was a lie and dishonest. She knew it was and I could tell she was feeling bad about the whole thing.

This all came back to me today when she said Mary wanted her to go with her to Disney On Ice. She immediately added, "Well, I won't ever let her put me in a wheelchair again."

I laugh every time I think of it or tell someone the story.

I Chose to Attend

A very wise person told me one time, "You don't have to attend every power struggle you are invited to."
Wow. I thought that was brilliant. Even though I'm sure I already knew that somewhere in my head, it was very liberating to actually hear it spoken. And believe me, I have attended my share of power struggles. You win some and lose some, but it is always very hard work.
Last Saturday, I was invited to one and although I tried not to attend, eventually I did walk through that door.
The party started when my granddaughter and her girlfriend purchased 2 boxes of the ready-to-bake Disney cookies. One box with a 'Cars' imprint in the middle and the other had a Minnie Mouse imprint. They burned at least one, maybe two pans of cookies. I was asleep when they were baking them, but the burned smell manages to permeate the entire house. I also saw the cremated remains in the wastebasket when I dumped the coffee grounds in the trash in the morning.
(Note: If you ever read that my house has burned to the ground with me in it, you will know that I ignored the smell of smoke. My granddaughter burns enough stuff that I don't even get out of bed to check anymore.)
When Kalisha got up in the morning and saw those Disney boxes and cookies, she was immediately going to the store to purchase some of the exact same boxes of cookies. *Here is where I should have ignored the invitation, but of course, I didn't. I told her she could eat one of the cookies the girls had left on the table, but she didn't need to buy more.
That wasn't good enough. She wanted those boxes of cookies to bake. I tried reasoning: too expensive, too many calories, I wasn't going to the store, etc. I believe it was at this point she said she was going to eat the burned ones that were in the trash.
Now I wasn't just attending the party, I had my ball gown and slippers on and we were going to dance for a while.
I believe I mentioned the fact that they were covered in coffee grounds and God only knew what else. She stated she didn't care and was going to eat them. I also quoted a few bible verses about envy. That certainly didn't make any difference.

Kalisha doesn't get this far off track very often anymore, but when she does, it usually has something to do with food of some kind. When her friend calls and says she just bought a Peppermint Shake, Kalisha wants one too, usually immediately. Or if one of the grandkids tell her they just had a Big Mac from McDonalds, she almost can't stand it.

It isn't all kinds of food; if she knows you went to Applebee's (and she likes Applebee's) she might say she would like to go sometime, but it doesn't become a consuming desire. It seems to be just her very favorite foods that affect her like this and send her into a tailspin. I should mention that she never screams or yells or  has a tantrum. She just keeps repeating what she is going to do and nothing I say will budge her or change her mind.

After telling me she was going to dig them out of the trash, I took her phone and sent her to her room. It is the equivalent of the scene in the movies where someone slaps the hysterical person. She stayed in her room for a few hours, had a nap and came down saying she was sorry. She still wanted to buy the cookies sometime, but she wasn't "locked in" like she had been.

In retrospect, I should have refused the invitation by telling her to dust the coffee grounds off the burned cookies and to go right ahead and eat them. (I already knew there was nothing really gross on top of them.) 

Ah, yes, the value of hindsight; it's a wonderful thing.

Love Is In The Air.....

Kalisha has had some 'love interests' in the past, but most of those have been disastrous in one way or another, so when she came home a week ago and told me she had a boyfriend named Jim (not his actual name) and they kissed on the bus, I was a little concerned. I didn't go crazy because we've been down this road before. She told me he works at a 'workshop' here in Fort Wayne, so I know he has special-needs of some kind.

The next day she came home with a picture of them together on the bus. It made me smile just looking at it. They looked like 2 peas in a pod. She immediately posted it to Facebook and said she loved him and they were going to get married. I left a comment and asked if I would get to meet him before the wedding. She told me the wedding was far in the future.

Kalisha was very concerned because he wouldn't tell his mother about her. I can usually come up with some sort of answer to any of her dilemmas, but this time, I just couldn't. She looked for his address on whitepages.com and found his house. She even took the dog for a walk and they just happened to walk past his house. The dog had not been on a walk that long for a while. He came home and promptly fell asleep. Her friend told her she would be arrested for stalking. Oh, good grief!

Kalisha said, "Mom, Why can't we just walk up to the door, knock, and introduce ourselves when she answers and tell her I am Jim's girlfriend?"
(She had previously told me his mother was 80, so I am having visions of her answering the door and then keeling over.)
"No, Kalisha, we can't do that. I wouldn't like it if some stranger came to our door and said he was your boyfriend."
"Okay. Well, what if he never tells her about me?"

I try to convince her to wait for a while; give him a chance to tell her when he is ready, but that damnable black and white thinking has taken over and is driving her crazy.......me, too.
"But if she met me, she would see what a nice person I am and then she would like me, right?"

"Yes, I'm sure she would like you, Kalisha, but you don't know how protective she is or how she feels about him having a girlfriend or maybe some bad experiences in the past or anything. Give him time to tell her."

If this is beginning to sound like a broken record to you, I was beginning to feel like I was beating the proverbial dead horse, ok? If you want to read about their Valentine's day drama, go to my other blog, Not Different Enough, at www.moms.fortwayne.com

Jim did finally tell her that he would tell his mother. Kalisha was ecstatic. (Probably the reason he is telling her is because Kalisha got him a card and a gift bag with candy in it and he had to explain it somehow.)

She was texting me from the bus on her way home: 'Can we pick up Jim and his mom and go to Pizza Hut?'
Me: 'When?'
Kalisha: 'Tonight.'
Me: 'Why am I picking them up? Can't she drive and meet us there?'
Kalisha: 'I don't know, but can we?'
Me: 'Let me get this straight. He told her and now we are going to Pizza Hut?'
Kalisha: 'He said he would when he got off the bus and I'm sure they would like to go.'

Kalisha keeps adding tidbits of new information each day.
"Mom, Did I tell you Jim is 50?"
"No, I think you forgot that part."
"But age really doesn't make any difference, right?"

"His mom would rather wait until it is warm to go somewhere."

"We are going to the Tincaps baseball game on April 11th, ok?"
"Who is going? You and Jim or all of us?"
'Just me and Jim."
Wonderful. I really don't want to be the Fort Wayne Foursome all summer.

"Do you think I will get to meet Jim's mom before she dies?"
"I hope so. Is she ill?"
"No, but she's pretty old."

"I don't think he can read."
"Really?"
"I don't know, but he can drive and he wants to get his license."
"Well, then I think he can read, Kalisha."

I might be committed before this romance is over or blooms; one or the other.

Stay tuned to both blogs....I'm sure this is not the end of the story............

Play It Again, Sam

I realize that anyone who reads this blog probably becomes weary of reading the same posts about Kalisha's obsession over something. However, this blog is about a person with autism, and obsession is a way of life that is often consuming. I guess I should be happy that she at least changes obsessions once in a while.

Have you ever heard a 3-year-old who wanted something and wasn't getting it fast enough? Something like this: "Mommy, is it time to go?" "Huh, huh?" Mommy, did you say we were leaving soon?" "Can we leave right now?" "Why not?" "I'm ready now, Mommy." "I don't want to wait until Daddy gets home." "Can we leave now?" "Please, please?" "Why can't we leave now?" " Look. I'm ready." "Let's go no-o-ow." "Why can't we leave now?"

You get the idea.

Kalisha doesn't talk like that, but she cannot put something out of her mind once she is set on it. Last week, a lady became ill during our church service. Kalisha was one of the first ones out of her seat and wanted to help in some way. She was immediately praying for Delores (not her real name), and spent the day very concerned about her. She emailed someone from church to check on her and find out the hospital room number. Once she had it, she wanted to visit her in the hospital (obviously, she was not in critical condition). I did not have the time on Tuesday to take her so she asked her 'community helper' to take her there. The lady had been released and sent home. I had told Kalisha to call first to make certain she was still there. She didn't. She did stop and buy her a card. She wrote all kinds of nice things in the card and then needed a stamp. Later she saw that Delores was on FB so she started sending her messages there. She called her at home once.

All this time, I have been talking to her about 'smothering' Delores and how she was going to relapse due to stress if Kalisha didn't leave her alone. She always tells on herself. I would never know how many times she texted her or messaged her on FB, but she always tells me. I told her that if she didn't stop, her consequence would be to lose her phone...a fate worse than death to her almost.

Kalisha says, "I'm not obsessed with her or anything."   

Really???? You could have fooled me. At one point, I told her she was obsessed with being obsessed. That put a really puzzled look on her face.

I ended up taking her phone on Saturday. She was not happy with me. She doesn't yell or anything, she just gets sullen. I drove out to a friend's house to see their new baby. She didn't want to get out of the car. Okay, sit there. On the way home, we stopped to see another friend who had been in an accident. Although Kalisha was very concerned about him, she wouldn't go in to see him either. I think she believes that she is punishing me somehow (for taking the phone) by not participating in anything. It really didn't bother me. If she wanted to be bored and sit in the car, it was okay with me.

When we got home, she didn't want to eat either. Okay. She kept asking me if we could stay for Bible Class on Sunday morning. It is between services and since we always attend the early service and Delores goes to late service, it was her way of possibly being able to see Delores.

On Sunday morning, after a good night's sleep, Kalisha awoke with a whole new attitude. She was ready for the Colts football game on Sunday evening, but was still thinking about seeing Delores. As it happened, she did see her and had a chance to ask her how often she could call her. Now this sweet lady said that she didn't mind Kalisha calling and she could message her on FB any time she wanted.
  
My first thought was: Damn!! I wish I had been able to speak to her first, so I could have had her set some boundaries. I told Kalisha that, although it was very nice of Delores to say that, she still couldn't call her more than once a week. On Monday, her Behavioral Consultant discussed the whole scenario with her.

Can you see how time and thought consuming it becomes when she gets 'stuck' on someone or something?

The phone consequence works very well and definitely gets her attention. Sometimes, she can self-talk herself out of the obsession, but many times she can't. The strange thing is this: Now that she has seen Delores, talked to her, and has permission to call her once a week, she probably won't.

I don't have the answers to things like this. We just keep on, keeping on.

Reading

Kalisha has always loved pictures and words. I would occasionally entertain her during the church service by getting out every photograph in my billfold. She would scrutinize them over and over. At home, she would take a package of newly developed pictures and spread them all out on the floor, like she was going to play Concentration.

She was careful with them and would crawl around the perimeter of her pictures and examine them for hours.
Perhaps the pictures were the driving force behind her love of reading. She started by 'reading' the pictures in books or making up her own version of the story.

When her nieces and nephews were very little, she would read to them every chance she got or when she convinced them to set still long enough.
Unfortunately, they all got older and learned to read better than Kalisha, so she continued to read aloud, but for herself.

She has never lost her love of books. She learned how to find and reserve books at the library. On one occasion, (she was in her teens) I noticed that some of the books she was bringing home from the library had flourescent pink labels attached to them. I asked what that meant. She told me they were national library loans. Not knowing what that was, she explained that when the book she wanted was not available at any of the public library branches in our city, they had to get it from somewhere else in the country.
I didn't even know that was possible and asked her how she knew it. She told me that she just told the 'library people' that she had to have those books, and they told her how to get them. Perhaps I should have a little of her tenacity.
The reason she HAD to have them is because she reads all of the books in a series, and could not go on with the series until she had the next one. She has read every Disney book, all of the Full House series, the Michelle series, the Boxcar Children series and then the Baby Sitter Club series. There are 143 Baby Sitter Club books. (I know!) After she finished all 143 from the library, she started a quest to own all of them. She searched E-Bay, the Half Price bookstore, Borders and Barnes and Noble. She didn't care if they were used; she just needed them all!!!
All of her books have to be kept in numerical order on her bookshelves and they go back on the shelves in the right order. After she finally got all of them (a great deal from Borders, but that will be another post) she started reading them all over again from #1. Remember that she had just read all 143 from the library. If you have ever read a Baby Sitter Club book, you know that every one starts out with the telling of how the baby sitters club got started. So, if it were you or me, we would skip that part and get to the story. Not Kalisha! She reads every word in every book. How do I know that? She reads out loud. (I can almost recite the beginning of the books) AND she has a reading ritual. Same times, every day, AND she reads 6 or more books at a time. One chapter in each book, until she has read a chapter in all 6 plus. How does she remember what is going on in each book? I don't have a clue!
Right now, she is not only reading 6 Baby Sitter Club books, but she is also reading 4 Diary Of A Wimpy Kid books. Over the years, she has been given cute laminated bookmarks by people who know her love of reading. Does she use them? No! She uses paper Monopoly money. Don't ask me for an explanation. I frankly don't care.

If you happen to come into the room in the middle of her reading time, she will read to herself, but would rather that you leave so she can read aloud again.
I am not certain how much she retains, but she can usually give an overview of the contents of a book. If you listen to her read (sometimes, it is impossible not to) you realize that she reads fast and if she comes to a word she can't pronounce, she just picks out a few of the letters and makes a new word.