New Phone

I know you have read a dozen posts about Kalisha and her phones; good and bad. She is doing so much better.
She started talking about a new phone a month ago; just mentioning she would like to have one, not insisting. The rule for any major purchase is she has to wait for 30 days before buying something.
Her sister got a new Samsung and said she definitely liked it. Now there was one Kalisha could get her hands on and she did. She liked the larger size, the 'feel' of it, all the things it could do (I thought her I-phone 5C did everything but wash dishes).
I reminded her she did not have the money to purchase one and since we are no longer Verizon customers, there was no upgrade available.
Wellll, the same sister told her about a Verizon plan that has no contract but you pay for your phone over a period of time with rebates on your bill each month...yada-yada.
You know, Kalisha was all over that like flies on well, you know.
She spoke to someone on the phone at Verizon, asked a gazillion questions and with my permission, did indeed order the new phone.

First, she had to wait for it to be delivered. In the meantime, she failed to keep a commitment which is an automatic consequence of "lose phone and computer for 24 hours."
In that 24 hours, she did get on her computer to renew library books and check FB and being Kalisha, immediately told on herself. Okay, now the consequence is you can't have your new phone activated until Monday. Do you know how hard it was to have the phone in her possession and not get calls on it?
When it arrived, it was partially activated: she could call out but could not receive calls. Then came the power outage and I couldn't raise the garage door so she would have had to wait until Monday anyway.
Monday arrived, she got on the bus and went to Verizon. I offered to take her, but she was going to do this herself. Ok.
The young man there told her she would have to call her current carrier to get her account number (that's another story for another day) and then it would be totally activated. She came home, made several calls, and finally was told it would take 24 hours to all be switched over.
Soooooo, my used-to-be impatient daughter has made it through waiting over a week from the purchase to being totally done. No meltdowns, no CONSTANT talking about it, no grumpiness...I would say that is big-time progress, wouldn't you?

Consequences are Such a Pain

Kalisha volunteers every Tuesday morning at a Christian preschool in our city. She loves being there and obviously, the feeling is mutual. She gets to read to a certain age group and we all know how much she enjoys that.
When she first learned to read, she would read a few sentences and then turn the book around to show the pictures to an imaginary audience of children.

 

This week, her schedule became unmanageable for her. Her BC, who always comes on Monday at 8:30, could not come until Wednesday at 11:20. Kalisha knew about this change for 2 weeks and was good with it. However, when her staff person who takes her to the preschool on Tuesday, called about an auto problem and could not come until Wednesday, things started downhill.

She agreed to going at 7:45 so she would be home for the second app't. but I should have said, "Why don't you think about this for a few hours before you agree." but I didn't.

She chose to go to bed later than she should have but was up at 6:45 to shower and dress. So far, so good...but not for long. She texted her staff person, telling her she needed to be home by 10:30 (no, she didn't) and making various excuses why she needed to be here.

I knew a train wreck was about to happen and I did not want that at the preschool.

She simply did not go to the preschool (this was agreed upon by BC, staff, me and Kalisha) and waited for her BC at 11:20.

Consequences for not keeping a commitment are loss of phone and computer for 24 hours. Painful, really painful for Kalisha. However, she didn't object; only to ask if I could let it slide just this once :). I did not and before you think I am a heartless person, here is the reason: I have let consequences slide a few times, but I know the next time there are consequences, she is quick to remind me, "You let it go last time."

Yep, not going there. Sorry.

I Simply Cannot Do This Again....

The words of the title were the words I was saying to God as I desperately pleaded for Kalisha's safe return. I realize she is going to be 30 years old and wants to live on her own, but if she were living in an apartment and disappeared for a while, I wouldn't be aware of it and therefore; ignorance is bliss.
Several years ago, Kalisha found herself in a horrible situation (there is a chapter in the book about that time so I won't expound on it here) and I did not know where she was for many days. It is a horrible feeling. If you have ever been in Wal-Mart or some other big store and suddenly realized you didn't know where your toddler or young child was, you can identify with the feeling.
Kalisha is very good about letting me know where, when, how long, etc. and she also always has her phone with her, so if I don't see her when I think she should be home, I call and she explains. I am perfectly okay with that. I don't expect to know what she is doing every SECOND of the day. She needs some freedom and I don't want to be that controlling.
This is what happened last Friday. Kalisha went to cooking class with her staff person as she does every Friday. While they were at the grocery with the other girls, she wanted to buy a $2 Disney bag. (She is the Bag Queen) The rule of cooking class is this: You are not allowed to purchase any items that are not intended for the lunch that is being prepared that day. She knows the rules, but argued with her staff about this danged bag. They couldn't talk her out of it even though she knew what the consequences would be when she got home. That 'thinking in the present, not the future' always bites her in the behind.
By the time she got home, she was ready to return the bag. Unfortunately, that didn't erase the consequences. She handed over her phone and computer for 24 hours with very little complaint.
She asked if she could walk to the Kroger store just 4 blocks from our house and return the bag and pick up her prescription. She had purchased the bag at a Kroger much further away, but I assured her she could return it at any Kroger with the receipt. I also gave her a check of mine to deposit at the bank right next to Kroger. This trip should have taken no longer than 30 minutes, even if she dawdled a bit.
After 90 minutes, I was getting anxious. It was getting dark and I couldn't call her because I took her phone, remember? I wasn't in full panic mode yet but getting there.
I called Kroger pharmacy and was told she had not picked up the prescription yet. Then I called my bank (they all know Kalisha) and was told she had not made the deposit, either. Okay, now I was in a panic. It is amazing how dependent we are on cell phones. I was having all kinds of scenarios going through my head; none of them were good.
I knew she wouldn't willingly get in a car with someone she didn't know, but she does know some weird people too and might be talked into getting in with them. I was dialing the police (I am her legal guardian and they have to try to find her regardless of her age) when the phone rang. It was a bank employee. She said the sweetest words I have heard in a long time, "Kalisha just walked in our front door."
She handed Kalisha the phone. I asked very calmly, "Where have you been?"
She said, "Well, I decided to return the bag to the store where I bought it and so I had to change busses twice. I couldn't call you; I don't have my phone."
She walked in the front door 10 minutes later with my deposit slip and her prescriptions. "I'm sorry you were worried, Mom. I didn't think it would take that long."
I'm still thanking God daily that she returned safely and there is an addendum to the consequences agreement: If you lose your phone and computer, you also lose your bus pass.
My hair is nearly all gray now, so I don't know what stress causes after graying; maybe it all falls out. Oh, yippee.

Consequences Are the Pits, But Necessary: My Advice to Parents

As you probably already know, if you read this blog very often, Kalisha has a behavior and commitment contract. If she doesn't keep her commitments, she suffers the consequences, which are: she loses her phone and computer for 24 hours. That is the worst possible scenario for her.
This morning, she did not want to volunteer at the food bank like she does every Wednesday morning for 2 hours. TWO hours.
She woke up in a bit of a funk this morning and immediately stated she did not want to go. I stopped cajoling and giving reasons why she should a long time ago. I simply said, "Well, you know the consequences."
Usually, after she thinks about it for a bit and considers the alternatives, she decides to go. Once she is showered and dressed, she is happy to go. Not today. She stated every reason she could think of to not go. I took the phone and the laptop, hid them both and went on with my day.
She was not a happy camper. Around 10:15, she asked to go. I told her it was too late. She would only be there for 30 minutes. She said she would walk there. I told her to go ahead and walk, but it still didn't count and she wouldn't get her phone back.
Her next solution was to work at the same church but for their free neighborhood dinner tonight. Nope, that wasn't going to work either.
She took a nap, read some books and continued to grumble; quietly. She is never mean or nasty when she is angry; just grumpy. She doesn't talk much, barely answers questions when asked and eats by herself.
I can live with all of that. Actions have consequences and if she is ever going to survive in this world, she needs to learn that. I don't usually offer advice to other parents of special needs children/adults, but I'm going to go out on a limb here. So often, I see huge allowances made for disobedience, rudeness and bad behavior by some individuals who actually know better. I am not talking about the meltdowns from sensory issues, etc. I am speaking of the child/adult who knows what they are doing is unacceptable behavior. Please don't just excuse it. We, as parents are not going to be around for our children forever and we all profess to want the world to accept our kids. If we really want that, then do your child a favor and give them consequences for unacceptable behavior. The world and society, in general does not care about their disabilities and will not accept their cute bad behavior. The sooner they accept responsibility for their actions, the happier they will be. *When I say 'consequences' I do not mean spankings, beatings, or verbal or emotional abuse of any kind. I am talking about real-life consequences, like the loss of something they like a lot. Example: Kalisha's phone and computer. It totally ticks her off, but it does not endanger her and she thinks long and hard about repeating the action that caused the loss. (Obviously, she didn't think about it long enough this morning)

Will the Fear Ever Leave?

This morning started like almost every other morning in our sometimes too well-ordered and boring little world. (I will never think that again.) I was up fairly early, let the dog out, made coffee, read my devotions and bible, and brought the paper in. It was Wednesday, which meant Kalisha had to volunteer at the neighborhood food pantry from 8:45 - 10:45.
I clean a house every 2 weeks on Thursday mornings, but because tomorrow is the 4th and a holiday, I had agreed to come on Wednesday. I knew she was concerned about me being there to pick her up at 10:45. I assured her I would be done in time and if I was late, it would only be a few minutes.

She came down the stairs. The first words out of her mouth were, "I'm soooo tired, I don't want to go today."
"I know. I'm tired too but we both have to go."
"I really don't want to. Can I please stay home?"
"No, I'm done discussing it. You know the consequences."
(In case you don't know, if Kalisha fails to keep a commitment, she loses her phone and her computer for 24 hours.  Pure torture for her.)
"I'm not going."
"Okay."
I proceeded to get ready. She usually thinks about it for a bit and then changes her mind. Not today.
Before I left, I asked for her phone, which she handed over, and I unplugged her laptop and hid them both. I don't know why I hide them. She would never consider going to look for them.

She was still in her pajamas and setting in bed. I left for cleaning.

I arrived home at 11:00. Kalisha wasn't downstairs, but I assumed she was just ticked off and decided to stay in bed. I called her to come down for lunch but got no answer.
Suddenly, my heart was racing. I checked the closet where she keeps her shoes...gone. Her purse was still there but no shoes. I checked...she had not taken her bus pass and she didn't have any money or her debit card. I told myself she must have taken a walk. Okay, that was cool.

Now it was 12:00. Kalisha never walks that long, ever. AND, since I had her phone, I also could not call her. I was beginning to panic. I know she is 29 and she is allowed to get on the bus and go almost anywhere she wants, but I always have the lifeline of the phone.

I started imagining all kinds of scenarios because of things that have happened in the past. I got in the car and drove around the park, thinking she had walked there and sat on a bench for a while. No luck. I drove around several more blocks, all the while praying she hadn't gotten in a car with someone.

As I came around the corner by our house, she was coming across the street, smiling and waving at me. Do you remember when your child was very young and they did something frightening when they knew better and scared you to death? First, you hugged them and cried because they were safe and then you wanted to spank them for disobeying? Well, that's sort of how I felt. First, I thanked God she was safe, then I asked her where the heck she had been.

She said she thought about it after I left, decided she was wrong, took a shower, got dressed and walked to the food bank. When she was done she had to walk all the way back home. It was all very logical to her.

She apologized over and over and said she was sorry. It never occurred to her that I might be worried. After all, she knew where she was...right where she was supposed to be, at the food bank.

I consulted with her Behavioral Consultant about what I should do as far as consequences. We decided there would be no consequence this time and we discussed leaving a note the next time. She got her phone and laptop back because she did keep her commitment.

 I don't need to know where she is every minute of every day. I just need to know where she's going and when I can expect her back. When she doesn't have her phone with her, she is very vulnerable, even though she has made huge strides in being able to say, 'No.'

I don't think I will ever get over that panicked feeling when something like this happens.

Job Search

I have been debating (with myself) what I should write about. There are many untold Kalisha stories, but usually the humorous ones or the frightening tales are what I focus on. After all, if it weren't for her peculiar habits and quirks and stubbornness and getting herself into ridiculous situations, this would be a pretty boring blog.

Occasionally, I could use a little 'boring' in regards to Kalisha. However, just about the time I think I can let my guard down, she catapults me into another 'situation.'

She has been doing her volunteer jobs very religiously. She goes to a large community 'sharehouse' on Tuesdays. She and her staff person work for 3 hours, sorting, packaging, etc.  On Wednesday mornings, she volunteers at a church food bank. On Friday mornings, she goes to cooking class. Those are her commitments. That is a very prominent word in Kalisha's vocabulary.

She enjoys all of those activities, but if I told her tomorrow, she would never have to go again, she would be okay with it. Maybe even better than okay. Probably happy.
That's why the YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR COMMITMENTS RULE is in place. If she doesn't, there is a consequence: she loses her phone and computer for 24 hours. Torture for Kalisha.

This commitment thing was also designed to help her when she gets a job, if she does, ever. She always thinks she wants one but her track record at keeping one has not been so good. In her defense, she had a really lousy job coach from one agency and she has never been fired; just decides she doesn't want to go any more.

She really wants a job right now. She has been telling her behavioral consultant and me how she has matured and how she has been keeping her commitments, etc. We have been trying to dissuade her from applying everywhere, because at the moment, she doesn't have a job coach and I'm fairly certain no employer will hire her without one.

She continues to fill out applications and turn them in or fax them or whatever she needs to do. So far, she is not depressed or discouraged when they don't call. She realizes it is a long shot.

Part of this job finding frenzy at the moment is due to her neice and nephew having jobs (they live with us at the moment) and she wants to be like them.

I'm glad neither one of them decided to join the Army or she would take the bus to the recruiter's office.

An Even Keel

Kalisha and I have been on a very 'even keel' for quite a while. No refusals to get up and go to her volunteer 'jobs.' No complaining about the elements as she tries to figure out a way to stay home.
She has been cheerful and very cooperative. If I make the meal, she cleans up after. Don't get too excited...she doesn't do the dishes, etc. but she puts all refrigeratable items back in the refrigerator, stacks the dishes, pushes the chairs back up to the table and throws paper napkins away or puts cloth ones in the laundry.
She has even brought all hanging clothes upstairs from the basement and hung them in our closets.

However, the biggest changes aren't in her physically doing things, but in the acceptance of things she doesn't like and in conversations, etc.

A few weeks ago, she was excited to know it was time for the Vera Bradley Outlet Sale. She goes online to choose the pattern she wants and the style, etc. This year, the pattern she chose was not available when we arrived. Although disappointed, she found another pattern. www.moms.fortwayne.com (read more at the blog section: Not Different Enough)

She knew she was on a budget and could only spend X amount, so she had to find something in that price range. She found a bag and a matching wallet. I didn't hear any complaining about the fact she wanted 3 more matching things, as in past years. Not a word. Woo-hoo!

Today it was raining, a very cold rain. At the food bank where she volunteers, she has to push the carts with the clients' food in them, out to their car. Not ideal for someone who does not like the cold or wet. No complaints; she showered and went. Part of that is because it is a commitment and if she doesn't keep commitments, she loses phone and computer. However, in the past, she would have gone but complained the entire time and pleaded with me to not make her go.     PROGRESS.

I have always seen 'jumps' in her maturity levels. Her chronological age had nothing to do with her maturity age. She was a pre-teen, then a teen, then late teens and now I believe she has jumped to maybe 'young adult' in most areas.

So there, Mr. Doctor Pediatrician, who told me at 18 months to put Kalisha in an institution because she would never progress beyond where she was at that time.

 I believe the appropriate word is:  T-h-b-b-t-t-t-t-t-t (that's a raspberry, in case I spelled it wrong)

I don't live in a fairyland. I totally realize that my next post may be about how Kalisha is acting out and driving me crazy, but she has been in this stage for quite some time now. We have moved from a totally mother/daughter relationship to a really good friend relationship with lots of mom/daughter thrown in for good measure.

Play It Again, Sam

I realize that anyone who reads this blog probably becomes weary of reading the same posts about Kalisha's obsession over something. However, this blog is about a person with autism, and obsession is a way of life that is often consuming. I guess I should be happy that she at least changes obsessions once in a while.

Have you ever heard a 3-year-old who wanted something and wasn't getting it fast enough? Something like this: "Mommy, is it time to go?" "Huh, huh?" Mommy, did you say we were leaving soon?" "Can we leave right now?" "Why not?" "I'm ready now, Mommy." "I don't want to wait until Daddy gets home." "Can we leave now?" "Please, please?" "Why can't we leave now?" " Look. I'm ready." "Let's go no-o-ow." "Why can't we leave now?"

You get the idea.

Kalisha doesn't talk like that, but she cannot put something out of her mind once she is set on it. Last week, a lady became ill during our church service. Kalisha was one of the first ones out of her seat and wanted to help in some way. She was immediately praying for Delores (not her real name), and spent the day very concerned about her. She emailed someone from church to check on her and find out the hospital room number. Once she had it, she wanted to visit her in the hospital (obviously, she was not in critical condition). I did not have the time on Tuesday to take her so she asked her 'community helper' to take her there. The lady had been released and sent home. I had told Kalisha to call first to make certain she was still there. She didn't. She did stop and buy her a card. She wrote all kinds of nice things in the card and then needed a stamp. Later she saw that Delores was on FB so she started sending her messages there. She called her at home once.

All this time, I have been talking to her about 'smothering' Delores and how she was going to relapse due to stress if Kalisha didn't leave her alone. She always tells on herself. I would never know how many times she texted her or messaged her on FB, but she always tells me. I told her that if she didn't stop, her consequence would be to lose her phone...a fate worse than death to her almost.

Kalisha says, "I'm not obsessed with her or anything."   

Really???? You could have fooled me. At one point, I told her she was obsessed with being obsessed. That put a really puzzled look on her face.

I ended up taking her phone on Saturday. She was not happy with me. She doesn't yell or anything, she just gets sullen. I drove out to a friend's house to see their new baby. She didn't want to get out of the car. Okay, sit there. On the way home, we stopped to see another friend who had been in an accident. Although Kalisha was very concerned about him, she wouldn't go in to see him either. I think she believes that she is punishing me somehow (for taking the phone) by not participating in anything. It really didn't bother me. If she wanted to be bored and sit in the car, it was okay with me.

When we got home, she didn't want to eat either. Okay. She kept asking me if we could stay for Bible Class on Sunday morning. It is between services and since we always attend the early service and Delores goes to late service, it was her way of possibly being able to see Delores.

On Sunday morning, after a good night's sleep, Kalisha awoke with a whole new attitude. She was ready for the Colts football game on Sunday evening, but was still thinking about seeing Delores. As it happened, she did see her and had a chance to ask her how often she could call her. Now this sweet lady said that she didn't mind Kalisha calling and she could message her on FB any time she wanted.
  
My first thought was: Damn!! I wish I had been able to speak to her first, so I could have had her set some boundaries. I told Kalisha that, although it was very nice of Delores to say that, she still couldn't call her more than once a week. On Monday, her Behavioral Consultant discussed the whole scenario with her.

Can you see how time and thought consuming it becomes when she gets 'stuck' on someone or something?

The phone consequence works very well and definitely gets her attention. Sometimes, she can self-talk herself out of the obsession, but many times she can't. The strange thing is this: Now that she has seen Delores, talked to her, and has permission to call her once a week, she probably won't.

I don't have the answers to things like this. We just keep on, keeping on.