Consequences Are the Pits, But Necessary: My Advice to Parents

As you probably already know, if you read this blog very often, Kalisha has a behavior and commitment contract. If she doesn't keep her commitments, she suffers the consequences, which are: she loses her phone and computer for 24 hours. That is the worst possible scenario for her.
This morning, she did not want to volunteer at the food bank like she does every Wednesday morning for 2 hours. TWO hours.
She woke up in a bit of a funk this morning and immediately stated she did not want to go. I stopped cajoling and giving reasons why she should a long time ago. I simply said, "Well, you know the consequences."
Usually, after she thinks about it for a bit and considers the alternatives, she decides to go. Once she is showered and dressed, she is happy to go. Not today. She stated every reason she could think of to not go. I took the phone and the laptop, hid them both and went on with my day.
She was not a happy camper. Around 10:15, she asked to go. I told her it was too late. She would only be there for 30 minutes. She said she would walk there. I told her to go ahead and walk, but it still didn't count and she wouldn't get her phone back.
Her next solution was to work at the same church but for their free neighborhood dinner tonight. Nope, that wasn't going to work either.
She took a nap, read some books and continued to grumble; quietly. She is never mean or nasty when she is angry; just grumpy. She doesn't talk much, barely answers questions when asked and eats by herself.
I can live with all of that. Actions have consequences and if she is ever going to survive in this world, she needs to learn that. I don't usually offer advice to other parents of special needs children/adults, but I'm going to go out on a limb here. So often, I see huge allowances made for disobedience, rudeness and bad behavior by some individuals who actually know better. I am not talking about the meltdowns from sensory issues, etc. I am speaking of the child/adult who knows what they are doing is unacceptable behavior. Please don't just excuse it. We, as parents are not going to be around for our children forever and we all profess to want the world to accept our kids. If we really want that, then do your child a favor and give them consequences for unacceptable behavior. The world and society, in general does not care about their disabilities and will not accept their cute bad behavior. The sooner they accept responsibility for their actions, the happier they will be. *When I say 'consequences' I do not mean spankings, beatings, or verbal or emotional abuse of any kind. I am talking about real-life consequences, like the loss of something they like a lot. Example: Kalisha's phone and computer. It totally ticks her off, but it does not endanger her and she thinks long and hard about repeating the action that caused the loss. (Obviously, she didn't think about it long enough this morning)

Kalisha's Birthday Party

Kalisha had a birthday last week. The actual day was a great success. She started her day by volunteering at the food bank, where the nice ladies gave her a dozen cupcakes. I was surprised when she got up willingly and went without a complaint. I thought she would surely use her birthday as a reason not to go.

Then we went to look for a new Indianapolis Colts stocking hat. One of the ones with the 'braids' hanging off the ear flaps. We found two: one had a 'mane' on the top. I let her pick and thankfully, she chose the other one.

Our next stop was a local Mexican restaurant where we had the best server in the world and where the entire wait staff came out to sing to her. That evening, I made her favorite dinner. All in all, a great day.

Yesterday, however, was a totally different story. It started with her not wanting to get up. She was scheduled to be a greeter at church and since that is a 'commitment' it qualified for losing all electronics and phone if she didn't go. After a text to her BC, who agreed with me, she got ready and got in the car. As we are going, she tells me, "My commitment is only to greet. When I am done, I will go sit in the car. I can hear pastor's sermon and the music from the parking lot." RIGHT!

The situation digressed from there. She told everyone who would listen all about her troubles. Part of me doesn't care that she tells everyone and part of me, (if I'm honest) gets really ticked off when she does that; especially to people who may not understand the situation very well.

She was supposed to have a 'family' birthday party in the afternoon. I had baked a cake and we had ice cream, etc. She had all of her Colts plates, forks, napkins, etc from another year to put on the table.

Because she was being bullheaded, she didn't help with one single thing. She didn't put things on the table, get the cake out, put candles on it, nothing.

Then she invited her friend, who I was sure was only invited because Kalisha wanted a McDonald's gift card and this friend had said she would get her one. She was chronologically celebrating her 29th birthday, but emotionally, it was still all about the gifts and she was being 10 or 12. When she thought her friend wasn't going to come through with the gift card, she called her dad and told him she wanted a McD's gift card. By this time, I was thinking she might not live to see another birthday. (Just kidding, ok?)

Well, all things come to an end and so did her obstinance. We had a good laugh at her attempts to blow out the candles. I'm not sure if that qualifies as a small motor skill or not, but it took at least 25 trys to blow out 18 candles. Obviously, blowing just air is not something she does well. She can't whistle either.

It was, at best, an emotionally draining day for me, and probably for her, too. I really dislike it when we are at odds with each other. She never yells (unlike me); maybe it would be better if she did. She just becomes totally obstinate and unreachable. No matter what you say, she has these 'blinders' on and only thinks in the moment.

We do not go to bed angry with each other. We usually talk about the situation and both ask for forgiveness and go on. That's what it's all about, isn't it? Just keepin' on, keepin' on.