The Rope Is Fraying

 

 





There was a time, not so long ago, when I was arguing with my older children's logic. (Imagine that)
We were discussing the subject of Kalisha moving out and living on her own. Their argument for that was: 'When you die, Mom, it will be extremely traumatic for Kalisha. If she then has to leave her home and move somewhere unfamiliar, that will be a double whammy for her. It would be much better for her, and you, if she moved out while you are still alive.'
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard and understood what they were saying, but...my arguments were: 'I am not going to die any time soon and we have lots of time to discuss this. Besides, this is a big house. It seems like a waste of money and space for both of us to pay to live in separate places and I like having her here. We aren't always together; she does her things with her friends and I do mine. We aren't attached at the hip or anything.'

Then came July, 2015. I wish I could tell you exactly WHAT happened in July, but the truth is, I don't know. Here is what I do know: (If any of this becomes TMI ..too much information...for you, please stop reading)
I started writing a fictional love story.
I believe I inadvertently placed myself in that story
I awakened feelings in myself I haven't had for nearly 20 years. Feelings that told me I would welcome a man in my life again.
That whole scenario led into other things. I began to see my life separate from Kalisha. The cord or rope that bound us together had begun to fray.
Then a housing idea was born by a man who worked at Bethesda. Now he is the Director of a housing concept called CASS. I won't go into the details here but if you follow the link I provide at the end of this post, you can learn all about it.
It is the perfect scenario for Kalisha to live by herself and still be safe and close to friends.
Is it a coincidence that the housing and my feelings happened at the same time? I don't think so. The rope frayed a little more.
One reason I could never even consider the possibility of moving out of state was that Kalisha would lose all her waiver benefits. They do not cross state lines..stupid, isn't it, in this mobile society. She waited over 10 years to get those benefits; I wasn't going to take her somewhere she wouldn't have them.
If she is comfortably established in her own residence, I could move if I wanted or if I met and fell in love with a man from another state.
Now, before you think I am going to dump Kalisha in an apartment and run off with someone, I want you to know...that would never happen. I will never stop loving her. I will never stop wanting to be there for her if she needs me. I will never abandon her for any reason and she knows that. too. We discuss it often.
However, I believe the rope frays a bit more each passing day or month and eventually, she will not need me. Want me in her life? Yes, but not NEED me there.
I will be terribly sad and lonesome and so will she for a while but it will pass and we will grow. I know that in my heart and in my head.
It seems every day there is something else that I think of that will be different. Last week, I wrote some thank you cards. As I signed them, "Gloria and Kalisha" I had tears in my eyes thinking about the time when I will just sign my name.
Will it be hard? YES!!! Will there be days I want to forget the whole idea? YES!!! Is it necessary for her to grow and become an independent young woman who can survive without me? YES!!!
And it is necessary for me, also. In more ways than I can tell you.

www.casshousing.org

Slip, Slidin' Away

Perhaps you don't recognize the title of this post as the words of a song from many years ago. I thought it was appropriate for the transitions happening in Kalisha's life; and mine.
In January of 2015, Kalisha and I and her BC discussed the various things she would need to learn and be proficient with, if she wanted to live in an apartment with a couple other girls one day. We even set the possible future date as the end of the year.
Guess what! Today is June 1, which means we are almost halfway to the end of 2015 and I don't feel as though I am dealing with this "letting go" very well.
You see, it isn't just Kalisha who has to make adjustments; it is me, also.

I have been holding on tightly since she was little and more so, after we knew there were always going to be obstacles for her.



I am having a hard time reminding myself she is an adult in so many ways and can make most decisions on her own. We attended a Memorial Day cookout at some friends' house. I asked if she wanted some lemonade and immediately poured a glass and gave it to her. Even in the middle of pouring, I was telling myself, 'Kalisha could pour her own lemonade. Why are you doing it?'
I am working on this and nearly every day I catch myself in mid-sentence or mid-action assessing her capabilities to do something herself. In fact, it has become a source of some amusement.
I asked Kalisha a few days ago if she really wanted to wear her new shirt on a "stay at home" day. As the words came out of my mouth, I immediately said, "Never mind. It's your shirt and you can certainly decide when you want to wear it."
Her response was, "Yeah, Mom, I can sit here in the nude if I want to."
(Well, I might draw the line at that.)
There are a million things (or so it seems) I need to realize she can do for herself besides the ones she already does.
We have become comfortable with the way things are but if she is to survive after she moves or after I die, I have to work on this.
As tightly as I once held on, I am learning to open my hand and let her pull hers away.

 

 

This is so hard. I cried all the while I wrote this. 

Small Steps

If you regularly follow this blog, you will know Kalisha and I (and her team) have set a goal of one year for her to be fully equipped and ready to move out and share an apartment with one or two other young women who need housemates, also. (I shared that information in the previous post)
With that in mind, it seems every decision or action, no matter how small, is prefaced with, "This is something I will have to know before I move out." OR "Kalisha, that is probably something you should work on before you can move out."

It is beginning to get tiresome, so we are trying to be aware of the facts without actually stating them. Unless, of course, I get ticked off about something and then toss out, "Well, you won't be able to do that when you live on your own."

This whole 'preparation' thing is probably more about me than it is about Kalisha. If you had asked me how prepared she was, on a scale of 1-10, I think I would have said, "About an 8."
Now that living on her own is a real possibility, I am rethinking that answer. I may revise it to, "Probably a 3."

I never realized how many little things I decide or how many things I give advice about; even insignificant things: "Do you have the boots that are waterproof?"
"Put those pajamas and towel in the hamper." "Let's have spaghetti for supper." "Do you want to stop at the library now or later?" "I think you need a sweatshirt on if you are going to wear that coat."

Two of the areas I worry about are her inability to handle money and her grocery shopping. I will write about those in the next post. (Some humor coming your way)

Today, I have a 'food' story for you.
Several weeks ago, I attended Saturday evening church and stayed for the chili cook-off after service. Kalisha had elected to stay home. As I am eating chili with my cousin, she hands me the phone and says, "It's Kalisha. She said she made sloppy joes for her supper."
I knew my cousin must have heard wrong. When I took the phone, Kalisha said, "I just wanted you to know I made sloppy joes."
ME: "What do you mean?"
K: "I mean I was hungry and made sloppy joes."
ME: "You fried the hamburger?"
K: "Yes."
ME: "On the stove?"
(If she was a kid with smart-a_ _  answers, she would have said 'No, I fried it on the counter.')
K: "Yes."
ME: "Where did you get the hamburger?"
K: "Out of the freezer."
ME: "Did you thaw it first?"
K: "Yep. In the microwave."
ME: "Is the house still standing and the stove off and everything?"
K: "Yes."
ME: "OK. Wow. I am so impressed."
When I came home, I was pleased to see she had not burned the meat, the kitchen was clean and the leftovers were put away.

 

I did ask what she put in the hamburger to make it a 'sloppy joe.' She said she didn't put anything in it; she just put it on a bun and ate it plain.                                                    

I was cracking up. If I had been there, I would have given all kinds of directions, y'know. Obviously, she didn't need my directions.

God is in charge; I need to remember that.

And So the Journey Begins

If you have read the book I wrote about Kalisha, you know some of my feelings about her moving out and living on her own.
It scares me to death, makes me sad and a bit uncomfortable.
Last year, I invited my grown children to come to my house and discuss some "Kalisha things" with me. I wasn't interested in having any of them sign a paper stating they would take care of Kalisha after I died; I just wanted some input. The meeting never happened. That should give me some insight into the future..right? If you can't find any time to discuss it, you probably can't find any time to be a part of her life, either. (They all suffer from the ridiculous theory: 'You will be here forever, Mom.')
 Really? That's a classic case of denial. They did, however, give me some advice. They all believe she should move now as opposed to when I die. The reason being my death will be traumatic enough for her without the added stress of having to move.
I think a small glass of wine is appropriate here.

Okay, moving on...Kalisha has, at various times, expressed a desire to have her own apartment or share one with a friend. Many times, it was when she was upset or thought life would be much better if she was 'on her own.' I have always talked her through it because that isn't the right reason to move.
Now, however, I believe we have reached a new level. We have been rationally discussing what she would have to learn before she could live with a roommate.
These are her lists and I was quite impressed with them:
 1) reading aloud would need to be in my bedroom
2) I wouldn't be able to do everything they did
3) If they went somewhere or got something new, I couldn't be jealous
4) I need to learn more housekeeping things
5) I would have to be able to cook

We discussed all this and more at the quarterly meeting of her providers this morning: case manager, behavioral consultant, Bethesda manager. I asked a lot of questions and received a lot of answers.

We have set a goal of one year. She will work on her goals and I will help her. I have to work on some things also. I will either have to take more writing jobs or I will have to move. Kalisha and I share the expenses of this house and I cannot afford it on my own.
Perhaps it is God's way of pushing me to do what I need to do.

I am so proud of her but my heart is breaking. This is, undeniably, the hardest thing I will ever do. In fact, I am crying while I write this, but as always, I will do what is best for Kalisha.