The Rope Is Fraying

 

 





There was a time, not so long ago, when I was arguing with my older children's logic. (Imagine that)
We were discussing the subject of Kalisha moving out and living on her own. Their argument for that was: 'When you die, Mom, it will be extremely traumatic for Kalisha. If she then has to leave her home and move somewhere unfamiliar, that will be a double whammy for her. It would be much better for her, and you, if she moved out while you are still alive.'
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard and understood what they were saying, but...my arguments were: 'I am not going to die any time soon and we have lots of time to discuss this. Besides, this is a big house. It seems like a waste of money and space for both of us to pay to live in separate places and I like having her here. We aren't always together; she does her things with her friends and I do mine. We aren't attached at the hip or anything.'

Then came July, 2015. I wish I could tell you exactly WHAT happened in July, but the truth is, I don't know. Here is what I do know: (If any of this becomes TMI ..too much information...for you, please stop reading)
I started writing a fictional love story.
I believe I inadvertently placed myself in that story
I awakened feelings in myself I haven't had for nearly 20 years. Feelings that told me I would welcome a man in my life again.
That whole scenario led into other things. I began to see my life separate from Kalisha. The cord or rope that bound us together had begun to fray.
Then a housing idea was born by a man who worked at Bethesda. Now he is the Director of a housing concept called CASS. I won't go into the details here but if you follow the link I provide at the end of this post, you can learn all about it.
It is the perfect scenario for Kalisha to live by herself and still be safe and close to friends.
Is it a coincidence that the housing and my feelings happened at the same time? I don't think so. The rope frayed a little more.
One reason I could never even consider the possibility of moving out of state was that Kalisha would lose all her waiver benefits. They do not cross state lines..stupid, isn't it, in this mobile society. She waited over 10 years to get those benefits; I wasn't going to take her somewhere she wouldn't have them.
If she is comfortably established in her own residence, I could move if I wanted or if I met and fell in love with a man from another state.
Now, before you think I am going to dump Kalisha in an apartment and run off with someone, I want you to know...that would never happen. I will never stop loving her. I will never stop wanting to be there for her if she needs me. I will never abandon her for any reason and she knows that. too. We discuss it often.
However, I believe the rope frays a bit more each passing day or month and eventually, she will not need me. Want me in her life? Yes, but not NEED me there.
I will be terribly sad and lonesome and so will she for a while but it will pass and we will grow. I know that in my heart and in my head.
It seems every day there is something else that I think of that will be different. Last week, I wrote some thank you cards. As I signed them, "Gloria and Kalisha" I had tears in my eyes thinking about the time when I will just sign my name.
Will it be hard? YES!!! Will there be days I want to forget the whole idea? YES!!! Is it necessary for her to grow and become an independent young woman who can survive without me? YES!!!
And it is necessary for me, also. In more ways than I can tell you.

www.casshousing.org

And So the Journey Begins

If you have read the book I wrote about Kalisha, you know some of my feelings about her moving out and living on her own.
It scares me to death, makes me sad and a bit uncomfortable.
Last year, I invited my grown children to come to my house and discuss some "Kalisha things" with me. I wasn't interested in having any of them sign a paper stating they would take care of Kalisha after I died; I just wanted some input. The meeting never happened. That should give me some insight into the future..right? If you can't find any time to discuss it, you probably can't find any time to be a part of her life, either. (They all suffer from the ridiculous theory: 'You will be here forever, Mom.')
 Really? That's a classic case of denial. They did, however, give me some advice. They all believe she should move now as opposed to when I die. The reason being my death will be traumatic enough for her without the added stress of having to move.
I think a small glass of wine is appropriate here.

Okay, moving on...Kalisha has, at various times, expressed a desire to have her own apartment or share one with a friend. Many times, it was when she was upset or thought life would be much better if she was 'on her own.' I have always talked her through it because that isn't the right reason to move.
Now, however, I believe we have reached a new level. We have been rationally discussing what she would have to learn before she could live with a roommate.
These are her lists and I was quite impressed with them:
 1) reading aloud would need to be in my bedroom
2) I wouldn't be able to do everything they did
3) If they went somewhere or got something new, I couldn't be jealous
4) I need to learn more housekeeping things
5) I would have to be able to cook

We discussed all this and more at the quarterly meeting of her providers this morning: case manager, behavioral consultant, Bethesda manager. I asked a lot of questions and received a lot of answers.

We have set a goal of one year. She will work on her goals and I will help her. I have to work on some things also. I will either have to take more writing jobs or I will have to move. Kalisha and I share the expenses of this house and I cannot afford it on my own.
Perhaps it is God's way of pushing me to do what I need to do.

I am so proud of her but my heart is breaking. This is, undeniably, the hardest thing I will ever do. In fact, I am crying while I write this, but as always, I will do what is best for Kalisha.