Slip, Slidin' Away

Perhaps you don't recognize the title of this post as the words of a song from many years ago. I thought it was appropriate for the transitions happening in Kalisha's life; and mine.
In January of 2015, Kalisha and I and her BC discussed the various things she would need to learn and be proficient with, if she wanted to live in an apartment with a couple other girls one day. We even set the possible future date as the end of the year.
Guess what! Today is June 1, which means we are almost halfway to the end of 2015 and I don't feel as though I am dealing with this "letting go" very well.
You see, it isn't just Kalisha who has to make adjustments; it is me, also.

I have been holding on tightly since she was little and more so, after we knew there were always going to be obstacles for her.



I am having a hard time reminding myself she is an adult in so many ways and can make most decisions on her own. We attended a Memorial Day cookout at some friends' house. I asked if she wanted some lemonade and immediately poured a glass and gave it to her. Even in the middle of pouring, I was telling myself, 'Kalisha could pour her own lemonade. Why are you doing it?'
I am working on this and nearly every day I catch myself in mid-sentence or mid-action assessing her capabilities to do something herself. In fact, it has become a source of some amusement.
I asked Kalisha a few days ago if she really wanted to wear her new shirt on a "stay at home" day. As the words came out of my mouth, I immediately said, "Never mind. It's your shirt and you can certainly decide when you want to wear it."
Her response was, "Yeah, Mom, I can sit here in the nude if I want to."
(Well, I might draw the line at that.)
There are a million things (or so it seems) I need to realize she can do for herself besides the ones she already does.
We have become comfortable with the way things are but if she is to survive after she moves or after I die, I have to work on this.
As tightly as I once held on, I am learning to open my hand and let her pull hers away.

 

 

This is so hard. I cried all the while I wrote this. 

To Force or Not to Force...That Is The Question

Sometimes Kalisha is just too much of a teenager. She was told about a cooking class at Bethesda for their clients. It was every Friday and included shopping for the groceries, preparing the meal, eating lunch together and cleaning up. She was excited and wanted to participate (after I assured her she didn't have to eat the chicken if that was what the group decided to prepare.)

We didn't hear anything about it for a few weeks. During that time, I was struggling with letting her have more say in her activity decisions and encouraging her to speak her mind. We-e-l-l, when the person called to make arrangements for a Friday, like picking her up at 9:30 and bringing her home by 1:30, she said, "No, I can't do that. I sleep until 10 o'clock and I don't want to be gone for that long and I don't really want to go."

Now comes the hard part...do I force her to participate in activities that I know she will enjoy once she gets there, or do I let her make her own decisions?

Kalisha, her Behavioral Consultant, and I discussed this. The end decision was that I had to force her to go and at least try it. There are several other things and groups that I have let her say 'no' to, but I think I am doing a 180 on this avenue of choice. She has LOTS of things she can make her own decisions about and lots of freedoms, but as you would do with a young child, some things have to be: "Sorry, in this you don't have a choice. You have to try it."

She has already accepted the cooking class by calling the director and saying she will come tomorrow. When I let loose of the 'decision reins' too much, Kalisha decides, "Ok, I won't do anything." That isn't good either so we are working towards a happy medium. Somewhere between, "You can't make any of your own decisions." and "Okay, you can make all of your own decisions."

I will give you updates on the progress. Until next time...