Can I Put It On Paper?

As many of you know, I have been talking about writing a book about Kalisha for at least a year. I took a proposal with me to a Write to Publish writer's conference in Illinois last June. Registration included one free manuscript evaluation.

The professional who did the evaluating of mine made very encouraging comments, suggestions and feedback. I also had the chance to pitch it to a few agents and publishers. Two of the three were willing to look at it, if I sent at least 3 finished chapters with it. I was ecstatic. New York Times best seller list, here I come.

Well, I'm not getting there too quickly. I never sent the sample chapters and I have not written many more chapters. Why? I ask myself that question all the time. It isn't because I am afraid of rejection....you can't call yourself a freelance writer, submit articles to various magazines, etc. and be afraid of rejection. No, that isn't the problem.

I (being the armchair psychoanalyst that I am) believe I am struggling with having to actually put some of the really painful stuff on paper. Maybe I think if I don't write it down, I can forever pretend it didn't happen.

I submitted the same proposal to a publishing house that was having a contest. No cost involved..usually there is a cost to contests. My proposal was selected as a semi-finalist. That meant it could still move up to the finalist category if I sent a revised proposal with 2 sample chapters. I did that last night. The deadline was midnight on April 30th; I beat the deadline by 2 hours. I am such a procrastinator. I like to say I work well under pressure. Sounds good, doesn't it?

The 2 chapters I submitted were easy to write. I looked at the list of all chapter titles I was asked to submit and thought about a couple I will really have a hard time committing to paper. Maybe I feel responsible for procrastinating about becoming Kalisha's legal guardian until it was too late. Maybe I feel I should have been more aggressive trying to get some sort of punishment for the perpetrators. Maybe it is because just replaying the horrendous things she endured brings tears to my eyes and a bitter, bile taste to my mouth.

Kalisha received counseling after being diagnosed with PTSD, but I should have gone for counseling, also. She is at peace with what happened and the fact no one was ever held accountable for it. She even prays they will find Jesus. I'm not there yet. I have just recently stopped praying they go to hell.

I believe God is urging me to finish this book. Hopefully, others will gain some knowledge and can avoid some pain. I will finish it by the end of May. That doesn't guarantee when or if it will be published, but I think putting it all on paper will be a healing, for me at least.