Tomorrow I will have knee replacement surgery. I am not worried about it and Kalisha says that she isn't either, but I know it brings up all sorts of concerns about her future when I do die someday.
We have discussed it many times. I wrote a list for her, outlining a day to day scenario of what would happen after my demise. I gave a copy to her siblings
She isn't as interested in long term answers as she is in the immediate happenings. I stated such things as where she would live for a while and that she could take her dog and cat with her. How she would be able to keep her books and her DVDs and take her computer. Those are the kinds of things that she wants to be assured about.
I try to put myself in her frame of mind. If I had to depend on another person for my transportation and help with finances and answering my questions and cooking for me, etc etc, I would be very worried about something happening to that person. Plus the fact, that she loves me and would miss me, of course. So, when well-meaning people tell her, "Don't worry, it will be fine." it doesn't mean too much.
Kalisha has a very strong faith and is basically not a worrier, but in her 27 years, I have never been in the hospital for anything, so this is unfamiliar territory for her. (Her first question was if she could go to the hospital cafeteria for lunch....that good Germen heritage, when all else fails, let's eat!.)
On the flip side, she can't come to see me on Tuesday, because she has to get on the bus and take her laptop to Best Buy to ask them a question about it. You can see where her priorities lie after surgery is over.
She had the option of staying at her sister's house for a few days, but she decided she wants to stay home. (Another sister lives next door) She is going to take care of the dog, the cat, the newspaper, the mail and watering the outside plants. I will pray for rain.
I remember an episode of ER a long time ago. An older mother brought her special needs daughter into the hospital with a heart condition. The administration would not put her on a transplant list. One of the heart surgeons pleaded her case, accused the board of discrimination, etc. When she told the mother of her victory and that now her daughter could have a new heart, the mother cried. Not in thankfulness, but in sadness. At the time, I remember thinking how selfish and sad that a mother would not want her daughter to have a very long life. As bad as it makes me seem, I have to tell you that I have revisited that episode many times in my head and I totally understand that mother's concern. Even though good plans are in place, I sometimes think it would be better if I would outlive Kalisha.
I understand that kind of thinking makes me sound selfish and entirely too important, but I stated when I started this blog that I would be honest about my feelings and thoughts; so there you have it. The real deal is that I trust the Lord implicity and since He always knows what is best, I can rest assured that no matter how long either of us lives, it will be just the right length of time.
I will post again after I regain a semblance of sanity and bring my hurting knee home.