Saturday, July 2, 2016

Remember the "Occasionally" Part

Before you read this blog post, please take a second to re-read the title of this website. It is "Getting It Right-Occasionally" That refers to me getting it right, occasionally...not Kalisha.
I'm going to tell you about an incident yesterday and it definitely wasn't one of the times I got it right.
Kalisha has overcome many obstacles and grown in many, many areas. She has one habit that is still particularly annoying to me. I realize it should not bother me any longer, but it does. Immensely.
She tends to have a knee-jerk reaction to some things and before doing any processing, she immediately reacts by calling everyone she can reach to get either their sympathy or their opinion. Or she just needs to talk through it. There are several people who handle this very well and some...not so well. I hate it when someone says to me, "Well, it sounds like you and Kalisha had a disagreement again" or something similar.
Even though they mean well, it makes my skin crawl. Yes, we probably did but if you don't know the whole story, just forget it.
We have discussed this and her BC and I have both cautioned her against immediately calling someone for advice. Process a bit first, Kalisha, and then if you still feel the need to talk to someone, go ahead.
Okay, here's what happened:
I returned on Thursday from 5 days in FL. She stayed home alone, knowing her sister and family live a block away and she could call Carrie, her BC, any time, day or night. She did an excellent job in those 5 days. She washed dishes, took care of the pets, emptied wastebaskets, made her own meals...the whole enchilada. AND, she only texted me to say 'good morning' and to say 'good night.'

She was unbelievably happy to see me when I walked in the front door. You would have thought I had been gone for a month. I was happy to see her, also.
The next day, we were having a normal conversation about many things, when I casually mentioned the fact that I had seen (not purchased) some good prices on tickets to fly back to FL in August.
She looked at me and said, "You might go back????"
I told her that yes I probably would, at some point. I thought that was the end of it. Five minutes later, I hear her on the phone, telling someone about how I might fly back to FL and she didn't want to stay alone again...and on and on.
Mistake #1: Yes, I should have given her some time before I mentioned leaving again.
Mistake #2: I should have asked who she was talking to.
Mistake #3: Knee-jerk reaction (she obviously gets this trait honestly)
Mistake #4: I told her I was done sharing anything with her and I was not going to be her friend anymore. I would always be her mother, but not her friend.
Mistake #5: I didn't discuss my anger with her at all; instead we went to do some errands.
I took her to our local bank branch, where everyone knows her. She went inside to deposit some money to her account while I stayed in the car. Our favorite teller came out to the car and told me Kalisha was at her window, crying. She had tried to console her but couldn't make her feel any better.
I immediately went inside to receive my "Mother of the Year" award. Geez.

*Remember, I only get it right-OCCASIONALLY.

I talked to her and hugged her, assuring her I would always be her friend, as everyone in line watched and either smiled or wished we would hurry up. I didn't care.
We discussed this for the rest of the day. I apologized and asked for her forgiveness, which she, of course, granted.
Knowing how much she values our 'friendship' and always says we are best friends, that was probably the most hurtful thing I could ever say to her. I could have told her it was definitely time to move out or anything, except saying we weren't friends any longer.
Am I contrite and beating myself up because I chose to say that? Yes. Will I hurt her again some time? I'm sure I will...I'm not dead yet, so yes, probably.
Mistakes are a part of life and we all hurt people; sometimes unintentionally and sometimes, intentionally. The saying about sticks and stones, is NOT true. Words hurt more than bruises.
Kalisha and I are best friends..we always have been and always will be. Even when either of us says stupid things.


  1. Your words always make me feel normal. My 17 year old and I are always at it! She always is the first to say I love you! We can learn alot from our kiddos who think differently than us.

    1. Cinda, I understand, believe me. But I'm not so sure either one of us (you and me) are normal. LOL We don't live in normal worlds, that's for sure. I have a FB friend in NY who has an autistic 18-year-old son. Her hash tag, which I believe says it all, is #everydamnedday. Sometimes when people who mean well, comment on your struggles with Hope, saying how cute the stories are...have no idea. You and I survive with a sense of humor. Otherwise we would have been carted off by the people in the white coats a long time ago. Correct? Blessings to you, my friend.



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