Sunday, January 10, 2016

The Rope Is Fraying


There was a time, not so long ago, when I was arguing with my older children's logic. (Imagine that)
We were discussing the subject of Kalisha moving out and living on her own. Their argument for that was: 'When you die, Mom, it will be extremely traumatic for Kalisha. If she then has to leave her home and move somewhere unfamiliar, that will be a double whammy for her. It would be much better for her, and you, if she moved out while you are still alive.'
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard and understood what they were saying, arguments were: 'I am not going to die any time soon and we have lots of time to discuss this. Besides, this is a big house. It seems like a waste of money and space for both of us to pay to live in separate places and I like having her here. We aren't always together; she does her things with her friends and I do mine. We aren't attached at the hip or anything.'

Then came July, 2015. I wish I could tell you exactly WHAT happened in July, but the truth is, I don't know. Here is what I do know: (If any of this becomes TMI ..too much information...for you, please stop reading)
I started writing a fictional love story.
I believe I inadvertently placed myself in that story
I awakened feelings in myself I haven't had for nearly 20 years. Feelings that told me I would welcome a man in my life again.
That whole scenario led into other things. I began to see my life separate from Kalisha. The cord or rope that bound us together had begun to fray.
Then a housing idea was born by a man who worked at Bethesda. Now he is the Director of a housing concept called CASS. I won't go into the details here but if you follow the link I provide at the end of this post, you can learn all about it.
It is the perfect scenario for Kalisha to live by herself and still be safe and close to friends.
Is it a coincidence that the housing and my feelings happened at the same time? I don't think so. The rope frayed a little more.
One reason I could never even consider the possibility of moving out of state was that Kalisha would lose all her waiver benefits. They do not cross state lines..stupid, isn't it, in this mobile society. She waited over 10 years to get those benefits; I wasn't going to take her somewhere she wouldn't have them.
If she is comfortably established in her own residence, I could move if I wanted or if I met and fell in love with a man from another state.
Now, before you think I am going to dump Kalisha in an apartment and run off with someone, I want you to know...that would never happen. I will never stop loving her. I will never stop wanting to be there for her if she needs me. I will never abandon her for any reason and she knows that. too. We discuss it often.
However, I believe the rope frays a bit more each passing day or month and eventually, she will not need me. Want me in her life? Yes, but not NEED me there.
I will be terribly sad and lonesome and so will she for a while but it will pass and we will grow. I know that in my heart and in my head.
It seems every day there is something else that I think of that will be different. Last week, I wrote some thank you cards. As I signed them, "Gloria and Kalisha" I had tears in my eyes thinking about the time when I will just sign my name.
Will it be hard? YES!!! Will there be days I want to forget the whole idea? YES!!! Is it necessary for her to grow and become an independent young woman who can survive without me? YES!!!
And it is necessary for me, also. In more ways than I can tell you.

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