Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot...Comin' for to Carry Me Home....

It is always interesting to set around and discuss your own demise and the 'then whats.'
I asked Kalisha's siblings to meet so we could discuss a few things about what happens when I die. Not the "what happens to Mom" because I know exactly where I am going when I die; rather, what happens to Kalisha when I die.
If you have read my book, Not Different Enough, you know she and I have had many discussions about this topic. Some of them are quite humorous and sometimes she is so sincere, she makes me cry a bit.
There seem to be 2 topics of conversation that come and go at our house. (Besides I-phone conversations) When can she move out to her own shared apartment and where will she go when I die? They are strangely intertwined, it seems.
Her sisters are of the general consensus she should be settled and comfortable in an apartment long before I die, so there won't be 2 shock waves hitting her at once. However, all suggested ideas come with varying problems attached.
If she could stay in this house and have a 'housemate' here, everything would be familiar to her and she will never find an apartment for the cost of our monthly mortgage payment. But, even though the grass area is very small, she would still have to hire someone to mow it and shovel the sidewalks in the winter. So that idea has a plus and a minus.
If she gets an apartment, she would never have to worry about appliances breaking or grass mowing or snow shoveling because that would all be taken care of; however, the financial part would be more. Plus and minus.
The fact she is pretty lazy and I have not done a good job of training her in ordinary household tasks keeps her from venturing out on her own, also. It is never too late to learn those things so we are working on them.
I am quick to say I would miss her being here...terribly. We do lots of things independently of each other, but still we do live together. I think she and I would both be lonesome, but I'm also sure we would get over it and learn to cope.
I am not writing this post to ask for advice. I am only writing it to state some of the obvious considerations that are different from when a typical child leaves home. I worry about her now when she isn't here at the specified time and I can't reach her on her phone. I think I might worry about her 24/7 if she lived somewhere else.
When my other 4 children left home for one reason or another, I missed them but knew they could take care of themselves. I don't have that assurance in my heart about Kalisha. She is still too easily led astray. Not nearly as much as she used to be, but it can still happen.
I have the ultimate faith in God's timing so despite the fact I have written about this subject twice in the last 2 weeks, I do not think about it daily or even weekly. It is just there, subliminally, I guess.
She is looking for a nice clean goat pasture to spread my ashes, though. That's where I told her I want them spread, so she is going to make sure it gets done. She reminds me I wouldn't actually be under a tombstone anyway and she probably wouldn't make it to the cemetery to 'talk' to the stone, so it is better if I am spread out in a goat yard.
This is my parents' marker.  We don't stay long when we go to visit, so she's pretty sure she wouldn't stay long at mine either.

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